how cool i changed my whole blog layout and stuff and it made my day so much better. i no longer feel like i want to delete my blog account and get a tumblr account. i dont blog as much anymore but i do tweet alot and i mean ALOT. hahaha. its and addiction. im sorry. anyway. i just got back from kl on 15th of december. last night has dinner with tiara and pam we couldnt stop talking! im going to miss that next year :( then later we went dancing. went to firefly first but it was full and there was no table available so we went to bed instead. we had fun there didnt we? then we went back firefly but it was closed. WTF. so we decided to check out white room instead. i swear i had no idea i liked techno music till i got there. i couldnt stop dancing hahahaha. but all in all it was a fun night. got home washed up and stuff and went to sleep but couldnt sleep. hmm.

so spm is over now and right after spm i went to kl.

on 14th of november, i nicole geraldine officially graduated from sekolah swasta seri insan. i have passed that chapter in my life its time to open a new chapter and start a new beginning. in college. its sad because i know im going to miss high school and how easy life is when you're still in high school even though for almost the whole year all i did was complain about how much i hated school and wanting to move and stuff. i still feel that way sometimes. i just get away from that and all that happened. i forgive but i dont forget. unfortunately.

i cried my heart out like i've never cried before. tears of happiness and sadness. and also because i was angry but lets forget about that. i've made it this far in my life. CLASS OF 2009!

sometimes i feel weak and i dont know whether im doing the right thing. i get all these thoughts in my head and they ruin my day and people's mood. sometimes i think im being suffocated. everything is happening so fast. college in 4 months. moving in 2 months. being away from my parent for 3 years. my high school chapter is ending soon. no more little high school girl. college. i keep saying it but it doesnt feel real. its like a mirage. i just cant believe its a few months away. i've dreamt about going to college all my life. mum and i has planned that very day since i was a little girl and now its here. and im not ready for it. its too soon.

and the one thing that i love most. my love for him. is moving so fast too.we've been together for about 5 months now. and i feel like i've been with him for more than a year. we do everything together. eat together. go out together. act all dumb and random together. and i dont know whether thats a good thing. dont get me wrong, i love spending time with him and i wouldnt change it for anything. but im only 17. maybe thats too much commitment for a teenage girl whos just about to leave for college.

we've talked about moving in together next year when i go to college and all. im excited just thinking about it because i can be around him all the time. but it scares me too at the same time. am i ready for that? it seems so soon and such a big thing. what if we have a fight? and things didnt work out between us? how are things gona be? my dad doesnt even know about him and i feel so bad.my dad is my number one hero and he doesnt even know the one guy that makes me so happy. and the worst part is, they are so alike. only they dont know it.

im not going to lie. i have had thoughts about asking for us to slow down because everything is moving so fast i just need one thing to slow down. its stupid i know. but i cant help it.

the one thing about myself that i hate and love is that i never say the things that i want to say. i think thats a good thing and a bad thing.

im sorry. i realize i've been saying sorry alot this year. i guess i have alot to say sorry for.

today i woke up loving that it was a sunday. sunday's always make me happy.and it was something about today that made it. i dont know. special. but nothing special happened today. it was just the way things were. little gestures made everything perfect. i know i dont make sense but you had to be there to understand how i feel.

i saw a little indian boy and his father having dinner together and just looking at the look on that little boy's face had put a smile on my face and touched my heart. it is so nice to see a father and son having dinner together. you could see the father helping his little boy with his food and seeing the father look at his son every now and then to make sure he was okay. it was so sweet. it was the love and warmth that touched my heart. love and warmth for a parent. unconditional love. ever ending.
 

after days being in such a foul mood i felt happy. im happy with my life and to have those i love around me. though i may not have the perfect family and though i have enemies and problems. im happy. i've been complaining so much about my decisions and future and the way things are but i never really opened my eyes to see what was in front of me. my spm is so close. a week away and i finally opened my eyes. its sad to say i've failed myself to be all that i can be to finally realise this. i need good results i know i do. but as my dad has been saying to me 'you dont need good results to earn my love for you. im proud of who you are and what you've achieved. so what if your friends are earning results better than you? you have a love so great from your parents no one else can compare'.

i cried when he said those words to me. i realised i've been neglecting those around me. to focus on myself and my studies when i already have all that i need. love and support. nothing else can compete with that. but im not saying im going to give up on my studies. i will study to make my parents proud. to show them their little girl has grown up and has achieved something in life. i want to do this. for them. i may not pay back for all the things that they have done for me but let me do this. im just so overwhelmed with this feeling. i dont even know what its called but its great. and im just so thankful for everything.

i love you daddy
i love you mummy
& i love each and everyone one of you.